I have taken part in many sports. On the whole I am deceptive as I ‘look’ like I can do it. I have on occasion pulled off some remarkable feats but I have also flattered to deceive.
My golfing career is a good case in point. I do not play now but I used to, a lot. I got down to around a 9 handicap at one time. I had a great golf bag and of course top of the range clubs. The thing is with golf is you need to practice. You can just turn up and maybe look the part but you won’t score well based upon a monthly outing.
When I worked for BZW golf was a unifying force amongst senior management. Monday mornings would often begin with an exchange with a fellow golfer describing a round or a trophy won. As many will know Scotland has many of the worlds greatest golf courses and the chance to play on any one of them is a something that few can resist.
I was in charge of BZW’s Scottish business and I had a two excellent golfers on my team-they were superb at their jobs and great blokes too by the way. We were a ‘big noise’ in Scotland as we made sure that we tended to the requirement of each of many large investing institutions. Keeping clients happy involved such things as ‘Golf days’ where our various clients would compete for trophies and the like.
On one such trip Richard Moulder suggested to me we should set up a ‘senior mans’ gold day at a top course. I tabled the idea to our CEO Johnathan Davey, a keen golfer, who had my arm off. We booked The Gleneagles Hotel for two days along with appropriate tee times and we invited not only senior Scots but also corporate clients and all sorts of ‘important’ others. The event got a life of its own and it was decided that ‘other halves’ would be included and a grand dinner would be staged.
As a way of entertaining clients and also making some kind of a statement it had a lot going for it. Not sure where it would stand in todays world where client entertainment is closely monitored but soon Richard Moulder had an organising committee and people were literally begging to be included.
Cut a long story short and there I was on the first tee. Not sure who I was with but I suspect one of my best clients along with two others. As many will know a round of golf around Gleneagles is expensive. The green fee God knows what but there is an extra rule, you must have a caddy. This makes sure that players (Japanese) keep up a decent pace, the course is cared for, divots replaced and the like, and advice can be given on what is a very difficult course so as lost balls and the like do not slow play.
The four cadges lined up one around 6 feet two inches tall. This man stepped forward and shook my hand. ‘Hello ” he said ” I am you caddy, they call me The Coffin on account of my size, you can call me ‘Coffin’, what should I call you?’ his hand shake was firm. ‘Dennis” I said. ‘Hello Coffin”
We announced our handicaps and at the time my official club handicap was 20 which was I think the highest of our four. The first golfer set up and the caddies watched. A reasonable shot, not to far but straight. The next man up a little further and also straight. The third man a decent blow as I think he had the lowest handicap, and some nods of approval from the caddies. My turn.
Now one thing I can say is that at the very least I look good at most sports. On a good day I can also hit a golf ball a long way. The twenty handicapper addressed the ball and ‘smoked it’. Dead straight perhaps 30 or 40 yards further than anyone else. The caddies gathered round in a small huddle and we watched them shake hands. As I strode up the first fairway The Coffin came alongside me beaming. “Nice shot son’ he said, ‘are you sure you play off 20.” I did.
My second shot took rather too much grass with it and my 3rd, 4th and 5th lacked conviction. I think I got a six in the end which did not win me the hole. The Coffin told me to relax on the way to the second tee. On the second I hooked the ball. Like a proper hook. The Coffin was not amused and his tone became a tad more assertive. ‘Concentrate son’ was his command. In truth the round went from bad to worse. The Coffin started to swear and on the sixth tee he invited one of his fellow caddies who was with another four to see if he could spot any problems with my swing. He did but his advice did not help in fact it confused me more. The tension was building something was up. For F….s sake son was a warning sign then finally on, I think the fourteenth green, after another 3 putt The Coffin took me to one side and grabbed my arm. “Son” he said ” if you were a horse I would shoot you.
You may have guessed by now that The Caddies apparently bet on their charges. On the first tee my long drive had persuaded The Coffin to go full beans and he had bet a week’s wages on me. It was serious stuff.
For the afternoon round three of the same caddies were waiting for us on the tee. One was flushed and smelled of drink. he was particularly friendly towards me. The Coffin was missing and I received a non to gracious message from one of his fellow bag carriers. Something along the lines of ‘you can carry your own bag’ A replacement caddy was found and the rest of the day was uneventful.
The dinner was excellent the event became an annual affair and was both highly popular amongst management and clients and their other halves. Whether it made commercial sense in the round I could not say. For The Coffin I am afraid the answer was a definite No!!
Tales of a Life Well Lived 