Samaritans Can I Help You?

Over the last 18 months or so I have been on a rather special journey. I thought I would record just some of my experiences at this stage. This is before they blended into the mists of time.

Covid was a bad thing for me personally as it messed with my mind. A whole load of adventures were postponed. It now seems they were postponed indefinitely.

My own children decided to have a feud! I tried to share my mood with my friends but only Liz understood.. This proved to me the phrase ‘It’s good to talk’ is utter rubbish. Instead of providing me reassurance or support, so called good mates would scoff at me. They would inform me how well their confinement was going or similar. Through all of this I somehow alighted on the website of The Samaritans. I didn’t want to call them. I wanted to see what they said about providing support to others in difficult time.

Before long, two people interviewed me in a small room in a house in Exeter. They presumably were trying to establish if my own personality was suited to being a Samaritan Listener. I obviously passed the test as shortly afterwards I was enrolled on a training scheme. Pages of information and regulation were duly tested online. Once every week, I would join a zoom chatroom. I did this to learn more and gain insight into what happens in the real world of a ‘Samaritan’. Much of it was tough going. It faced head on the subject of suicide, self harm and a series of other subjects. These matters would become the subject matter of my later telephone calls.

After 3 months, I duly passed the introductory course. I arrived back at Samaritan’s Centre in Exeter one Tuesday morning to meet my mentor. I was there to experience my first shift. Being totally honest and mentioning no names my relationship with this person was not good. I am happy to take blame. Maybe my age, my bearing, and my lack of familiarity with Microsoft products all combined to form the wrong message. One of the core aspirations of all Samaritans is to avoid ‘unconscious bias.’ This person probably needs a ‘refresher’ on this particular subject I would suggest.

I sat nervously alongside them listening in, my heart pounding. The phone is allowed to ring 3 times. The caller can come from anywhere in the UK and sometimes overseas too. ‘Samaritans can I help you?’. always the same. What happens next, I came to learn, would be a journey of a conversation that culminated in many endings. Abuse to humour. Joy to unbearable sadness. The realisation of a new possibility forming in a callers mind can quickly turn to overwhelming sadness.

Active suicides are everyone’s dread I either listened into or was on shift with another Samaritan on 9 occasions when someone was in the act of taking their own life. Silence on the end of the phone confirms your worst nightmare. The person you have been talking to for the last hour or so in the most difficult circumstances had achieved their goal. They ended their own life.

Each shift lasts 3 hours and usually maybe 5 or 6 calls will make up the time. Each call content is then recorded. Not with information about the caller personally. It is about the call’s nature so that statistics can be compiled and presented to the funding authorities of the organisation-mainly The Government. I think it was the fourth call on my first shift that I took the lead. The call itself was straightforward. Having someone listening in and proffering advice via long hand messaging on a pad of paper was very difficult. What ever somehow I survived and after perhaps a month I was let loose on my own and went solo. After a further 3 months, I had been on shift at least once a week. My progress was appraised. I was declared a fully fledged ‘Samaritan.’ They gave me a mug with my name on it.

There are two people in adjacent booths on each shift. At the end of each shift, each Samaritan ‘offloads’ to a leader who is there to support. Normally, support is provided from the Leaders home in times when advice or support is needed. The ‘Offloading’ process is supposed to be supportive to the listener. It should allow them to let go of any trauma the process causes them. All I will say is it did not work for me. That may be because I ignored the instructions to keep business of the organisation to myself. Instead, I talked my concerns out with Liz. I am sure others do the same. Still others state that ‘offloading’ with a leader allows them to leave their worries at the door. If I knew the person and felt comfortable with them fine but sometimes revealing exactly what I was thinking was not something I could do.

My fellow Samaritans included some truly amazing caring people and looking back I was very lucky to meet them. There were also some people who seemed capable of providing support to callers. However, they lacked the interpersonal skills that I thought came with the territory. This misconception was repeated in other ways during my time with the organisation. I felt some people were putting themselves ahead of the caller.

I am not sure I signed any paper. All my calls were anonymous. Whilst on occasion first names were exchanged, I can see little to no possibility of anyone recognising a break in confidence. So as to be sure I will be careful to avoid any detail that might lead to identification.

So what did I learn? The world is a far more difficult place for so many than you would ever imagine. Mental Health services in this country are inadequate. They are even dangerous. There are a whole load of people out there who are suffering because of it. Most alarming amongst those are individuals who have been fed mind-bending drugs for decades based upon faulty diagnoses.

The National Health is worse for people with mental health than you can ever imagine. Often, people visiting A and E suffering with mental trauma are treated very badly. Some stories I heard were horrific.

I learned about nearly every sort of mental illness. Often people just want to be listened to. Asking someone what it is like to be autistic can release a torrent of emotion. This really helps the caller. Each call will be different. I have spoken in depth to people with Bipolar conditions. I have also talked to those with depression in many manifestations and those in active states of psychosis. Countless people suffering with acute anxiety and those in deep state of grief. “tell me what it is like to have …” I would then listen as people poured out wave after wave of emotion often leaving them tranquil and calm.

I have learned about the prison system. I have seen just how awful it is. I have now decided to become actively involved in supporting ex-prisoners. One call really caused me to think in a different way. A man told me he was a convicted pedophile. He told me as a boy he had been sent by his Mum to see the priest as things were not good at home. The priest took advantage of the then boy who became sensitised to sex. Absolutely no view here I am simply reporting what he said, it may be true it may not. This man told me he was disgusted with his feelings and had declared himself a pedophile to the police. Unfortunately and again no judgement this is what he told me. He was wrongly accused of a crime and his name was plastered all over the local papers. His time in prison was absolute hell.I don’t condone sexual activity with minors in any way but listening to this man was thought provoking in the extreme.

I have learned about the different hierarchies in different cultures in our country. I have also learned how women are oppressed across the board.

Sadly I have learned what it is like to suffer racial abuse and just how this abuse can ruin life.

I have learned how self harm serves to appease deep feelings in those who do it. It can also be a warning sign of worse to come.

Worst of all, this proves the role of the Samaritans to be so necessary in our society. I have listened in to 9 active suicides. Sadly, in four cases, I am afraid it is likely the caller carried out their wish. One of the consequences of being anonymous is sometimes you never know. After perhaps half an hour of silence, the only decision you can take is to hang up. You will never know for sure.

I have learned that anger is the source of much discontent and if people internalise that anger it can corrode. Anger is often a completely reasonable response to an event. However, many people do not recognise this fact. They wrestle with the feelings it generates. I often had people say “oh my goodness I have suddenly realised I am very angry”

I have learned the human mind cannot deal with uncertainty. It cannot handle uncertainty however it presents itself. Maybe the biggest mistake we all make in life is trying to ‘make sense of nonsense’.

If a call goes well there is a an almost mystical process whereby connection takes place and in doing so the caller finds some relief. this can often result in waves of gratitude. A very humbling experience.

If I were to present a list of my most memorable experiences, I do so for because I learned so much and I don’t want to forget. The lessons I learned from some calls allowed me to understand topics and subjects through others’ pain. It seems reasonable to me to record these facts. This is a way to respect those whom ignorance conspires to ignore and isolate. Here goes.

A muslim woman who told me 3 times, (because she wanted to ‘tell a man’ and ‘each time she told me it felt more powerful to her’) that never again would she allow her husband to rape her.

I talked to a very intelligent well-educated man with an excellent CV. His credentials qualified him for any prospective job. However, when attending an interview, his western name conveyed one message via the written word. However in person, it did not compensate for his skin colour. Apparently, no judgment here, middle-aged white women are the most racially prejudiced in our society.

I spoke at length to a prisoner who was incarcerated in a hell hole surrounded by severely mentally ill people. He was at his wits’ end. Despite a clear direction of his suitability for release, the system held him. The remand process was 9 months behind. He had the uncertainty of not knowing when his case would be heard. The same man sang to me in a beautiful baritone voice at the end of our chat. He did this to show me his gratitude. Just wow!

I think just maybe I did save some people attempting to take their own lives, if only for a short time. For those I did not, I will carry the feelings with me forever.

I was abused by some callers sometimes I was offered sexual favours. The procedure for ending these calls is well rehearsed. Sometimes the ravings of a furious caller can turn into tears. If you overlook the standard guidelines a bit, meaningful conversations take place. I did as result tend to give any caller a good chance to speak about important things. A warning first!

I learned of the complications of many people’s sex lifestyles. I learned things that genuinely amazed me, especially from gay callers. Such calls are clearly very sensitive and guidelines are in place to protect The Listener of they need it.

I know of the loneliness of many students and the elderly alike and the comfort a pet can bring. Never ever ignore just how much animals form a part in many peoples lives.

But if I had to list just one call that made a world of difference to me, it would be this one. This call has, for the time being, suspended my involvement with the organisation. It was in the early hours of the morning. I had just spent an hour talking to a young man who had gone to Beachy Head to end his life. He was autistic and nobody seemed to care how he felt or dealt with life. I asked him to tell me all about his feelings. ‘Tell me what it is like to be autistic’. Samaritans never direct (well sometimes they do but you are not supposed to). I explored every element of emotion of how this young man felt. At the end of the call, a tearful caller thanked me. He told me he was going home. He left me with the words that I was the only person who had ever listened to him. Wow.

I was emotionally elated by this experience I have to confess. I decided to take one more call. I am so glad I did. Normally, given the time of night, I would not take such a call. I would instead finish formalities before handing over to the next shift. This call was to be truly special.

The man who called had a terminal illness but he did not want to talk about it. Instead he confessed to calling The Samaritans often in the middle of the night. He did this to have someone to talk to as waves of panic washed over him. This happened when he considered his frailty. As ‘luck’ would have it, this man had worked in the same industry as I had. He had worked, as I did, around the world earning large amounts of money. He witnessed the excesses and behaviours that are part of big money and power. Samaritans never divulge anything about themselves. They only ask open questions. This allows the caller to express the way they feel. Hopefully, in doing so, they reorganise their thoughts or something like that. Anyway, I was able to ask him all the right questions. Soon he was relaying to me all the lessons he had learned in a lifestyle I understood. As a man who was approaching his end, he shared the thoughts he had now. We seemed to try connect. He gave me a simple message and it was this.

When we die people will consider us and what our life was about.. How we were and how we behaved to them. Alas, we will never know what people really think. That is why we all wonder when we go to other’s funerals what our own will be like. His central conclusion is we all have a choice. If we approach our end knowing that the energy we have given out will be reflected in others, then that is the best aspiration we can have. It is the best thing we can all aspire to. He called it ‘good energy’. Give it out and in time you just might get some back. He recommended the writings of Mitch Albom to me and after about 40 memorable minutes we said goodnight. I did not know his name. He did not know mine but somehow our souls became connected and his thanks to me was most fulsome. He simply said ‘there are many people in The Samaritans who give out Good Energy but tonight has been special’. When I put the phone down I cried. The man I was on duty with was concerned for me. He was expecting a tragic tale. But when I told him about ‘good energy’, he too seemed touched. I somehow saw life differently as if all my strivings to be accepted and liked did not matter any more- all I can and will do is my very best.

Samaritans give out good energy 24 hours a day 7 days a week to people who need it most. As an organisation they channel ‘ordinary people to do amazing things’. I am very proud to have been a Samaritans Listener. I am determined in my life ahead to be someone who recognises the force of ‘Good Energy’. In every way, I will strive to be a Samaritan in real life.the best Samaritan I can be. I don’t need to sit in a booth to be one. I can create my own support for others just as easily in the way I lead my own life.

For the record, I completed 71 individual shifts. This accounted for a total of 213 hours and 48 minutes in my time on the phone. The Samaritans is a wonderful organisation and I have enjoyed one of if not the greatest privilege of my life. I also worked in the local Samaritans shop for an amazing woman called Lucy-the best of samaritans. On occasion a shopper would whisper a word or two of gratitude for the help others had received or on occasion in dark times in their life. I have to confess it often caused a tear.